Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE.
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
