The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
Randomize
