I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
i wish i coudl send you meat via computure
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
In 2014 only three boys have seen my boobs so far
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
It’s so white trash that I almost have to have it.
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