I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
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