Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
So how do we make 4/20 better than every other day we are stoned?
So there is a guy driving a robot around the college of engineering selling energy drinks
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
just had sex in the back of my high school auditorium #dreamcumtrue
Randomize
