Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
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