either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
Randomize
