Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
around noonish you got carried out for spitting water and throwing cups at old people...
Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
Watching the gap toothed girl get more ass than me is almost devastating.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
I'm a college student and my dad gets more ass than I do..... do you see a problem here?
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
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