i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
I can't wait. Forget the royal wedding. This is the most anticipated hookup of 2011.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
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