If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
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