yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
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