You should swallow it and be like the ticking crocodile. Only you play Still of the Night.
I was watching truelife I'm transgendered. This tranny already got a date a week after getting a vagina. I've had a vagina my entire life and can't get a date.
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
