you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
Having a man strip on demand was an awesome way to start birthday. What more could a girl ask for? U the best!
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
He just looks like he'd be good in bed. He looks like he has a lot of anger built up in him and all I'm saying is that if he took out on my vagina I'm cool with that
Randomize
