I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
well, if it gives you any insight into how crazy it was, i am currently wikipediaing "anullment"
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
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