Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
Randomize
