So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
Hmd? did you really just created an abbrievation for hold my dick?
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
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