I see an opportunity for you to use your nakedness to cure my boredom.
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
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