Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
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