I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
Randomize
