Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
he told me I was hypnotizing him with my mouth so I guess I do give good head
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