Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
Randomize
