he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
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