Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
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