The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
how was the sex?
he smelled like pickles and burnt hair.
well, there's that.
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
Ok if you are accepting my apology, please continue to ignore me. If you are not, please fill out the brief survey that follows, to help me improve my people relations: a) your a bitch please leave me alone b)your crazy pls leave me alone c) I never cared ab u please leave me alone. D) all of the above e) all of the above but I wouldn't mind still fucking u. F) who are you again? Your answer will not b shared and will b used in accord. With the law. TY
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
I was looking at our sex bingo and pretty much every single row or column has at least one kind of person that is harder to find than all the rest
We've made things harder for ourselves
The struggle will be part of the fun
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
We set around a table in a hotel room and he spoon fed Molly to everyone there... I felt sketch for sec but then... Oh well.
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
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