the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
of all the people in our graduating class, this is exactly who would get pregnant.
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
Randomize
