i'm sure her mom would have loved to find out her daughter has herpes via facebook
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
I've never known a guy to fuck more random girls in the ass then Dom. His rectal kill ratio is at like 85%
He's like the Derek Jeter of Anal
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
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