If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
So I considered mediating this morning and instead I master-bated...same thing right?
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
Randomize
