I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
No one goes out in public like that, unless they do anal
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
There will be two dogs there to provide supervision. Not to worry.
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
Randomize
