This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
Randomize
