Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
Yeah i like want to be friends with him. And if we have sex in the physics library well thats fine with me
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
whered you go
woke up in a ditch, shat infront of a little league game, slept in her stairway...i need to come here more often
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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