I think my vagina is haunted
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
Even Lady Gaga hates Purdue
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
Randomize
