Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
Randomize
