Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
shit i just threw up on a freshman
i don't know if i should laugh or feel bad..
nevermind it was a sophmore, laugh.
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
Randomize
