Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
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