Who is this?
Who do you want it to be?
Sarah Palin
I've got the updo, bangs, and glasses, but I'm blonde
Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Randomize
