im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
just took a sink shower in Arbys bathroom
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
dude so we were eating nacho cheese popcorn and chasing it with cole slaw
by the way nacho cheese popcorn is me making popcorn and then adding milk butter and mac n cheese mix
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
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