Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
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