I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
Not much, just taking another sorting hat quiz while waiting for this porno to finish buffering
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
