my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
Randomize
