I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
I think I may have walked up to her while she was with her friends and asked for a "do over".
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
You spent the whole night conversing with your zombie poster, so I'd say you were pretty far gone.
I love you. Go after that dick
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
Randomize
