just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
No, gay couples have the same problems straight ones do; I wish that we could go back to the days when he would shit with the door closed.
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
Randomize
