just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
He's a Shit stain on my heart
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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