At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
He busted his lip while trying to keep from passing out in the pool. The hotel people don't seem to be too concerned that we're passing around a bottle of SoCo at 11 am.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
He better not be in your backpack
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
Randomize
