bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
its mom's weekend..did we need to couger proof the apt?
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
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