she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
Well I want to be mistreated and called a slut and finger banged
But I guess hugs would be nice
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
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