I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
It's was about average. But he had a tat on his thigh that said "pull-out n' rollout" so I won't have to worry about a round two request.
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
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