Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
I've never seen an uncircumcised penis. I mean in person. I've clearly seen an uncircumcised penis. I have the google.
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
Randomize
