We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
