You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
I need a beard to bite.
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
Hahahaha. He sent me a dick snap in the lululemon stockroom. What is life. If this works out, this could benefit everyone....
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
