It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
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