Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
Randomize