life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
Randomize
