I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
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