she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
ok watching intervention on tv. when i hit rock bottom - i wanna be THIS chick.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
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