i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
Randomize
