over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
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