I admire the strength of friendship we have that allows for sharing husbands.
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
So much Jack, so little girl.
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
Randomize
