hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
Randomize
