Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
What I dont get, is for a man with a penis his size, to choose to go back with another girl instead of one that he says is the best sex he's ever had. He cant afford to be picky.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
It seems like every guy I've hooked up with all end up hanging out together, its like a cult.
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
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