The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
YOU CAN'T GET A TATTOO BECAUSE OF KPOP FANFICTION. THAT'S NOT HOW LIFE WORKS
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
Randomize