I saw his package. It spoke to me.
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
If I won't even leave the house for sex tonight. I definetly not going out for anything else.
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
I traded him cumming in my face for a year for a Disney annual pass. One giant leap back for feminism, one small step for the adult child Disney fan.
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
All this studying of HIV makes me want to have sex with you.
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
Do you think it would be weird to add her on Facebook?
You just commited a felony act together, I honestly think we're beyond this.
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
Randomize
