If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
his dick is like his red hair, amazing but useless
he was sobbing,drinking his beer, all while confessing his love for her. awkward was an understatement...
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
The vagina on Hilton Head is mighty fine this time of year.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
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