When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
Randomize
