hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
Randomize
