Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
yah I made NO friends last night. at one point i think i replaced talking with spitting
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
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