we need to drink 2009 down the drain
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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