guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
So getting a bj to I believe I can fly is one of the greatest things ever
Next time, showing us his dick should be his entry fee into your house.
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
He had really great hair, but he told me he's been in a psych ward three times. I mean I know I'm a psych major, but that's too much.
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
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