i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
I heard you aren't going to graduate...that suck sorry bro
I heard your girlfriend is trying to spread swine flu because she wants to wear one of those masks to cover up her broke ass teeth
in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
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