Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
On the bright side, at least we arent the generation raised by fucked up teen moms.
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
