i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
he asked me if i would dance for him to make it easier for him to jack off. does that answer your question.
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
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