she cant drink. allergic to alcohol.
ewwww. she might as well have a dick.
I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
Randomize
