I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
i think i just naturally attract stoners
Randomize
