She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
he quoted cool runnings while we were having sex: feel the rythm,feel the rhyme, get on up, its bobsled time
zippers are such a cool invention
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Randomize
